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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
I love watching women`s beach volleyball. There have been two wrist injuries so far, but I should be ok by next week.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.