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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.