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Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen