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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Alcohol is never the answer...unless, of course, you ask what I`ll be doing tonight.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
awesome collection!
Words of Wisdom: Don`t cover your mouth when you sneeze. You`ll get snot and stuff all over your hands