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says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver