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Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Looking forward to `Breaking Bad` merchandise. Especially the cook book.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.