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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Drinking lots of beer and doing my taxes. So far the Government owes me 3.1 million. I love this Country!
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.