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The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."