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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.