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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.