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If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I can`t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don`t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
i havnt seen any status`s about ninjas lately.... well played ninjas
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.