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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.