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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
I just called. To say. I texted you.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Velcro is a ripoff
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`