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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Being alive is so expensive.
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.