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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.