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Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you`re job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.