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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I`m tired of things costing money
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
“The darndest things.” -kids
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?