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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"