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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.