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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.