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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Daylight Saving Time rocks. It even makes laziness sound impressive. I did nothing for 24 hours? Not today. I did nothing for 25 hours!