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Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.