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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack