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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
I`m too lazy to ever write a biography. Story of my life.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.