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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Hard butter is the devil.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs