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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.