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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time