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I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
You can`t be late until you show up