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I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait