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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Some men get naked when they have to count up to 21...
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.