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It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....