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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!