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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
For Christmas I just want summer...
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up