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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?