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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on