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That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
Go ahead caller 9!!
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
What if your soulmate is over there on Twitter while you`re here on Facebook?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.