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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.