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Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
No pants are the best pants.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.