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Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....