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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
People would believe everything I say.. if it wasn`t for everything I say.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.