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Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
"My name is Robert and I support apples." -- Bob for apples
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?