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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."