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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
I’m so broke this New Years Im gonna party like its $19.99.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.