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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.