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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
Like a good neighbor,I don`t really care.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.