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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry