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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.