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I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.