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McDonald`s should have a 3rd window, where you can trade in all the wrong sh!t they gave you at the second window.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`