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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"