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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.