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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)