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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
My brain has too many tabs open.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”