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I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.