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Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Sadly, I don`t think anyone has Wang Chunged once tonight... :(
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
I`d like to have a child one day...Two days, tops.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?