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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.