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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.