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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.