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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Some people just need sympathetic pat.........on the head........with a hammer
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."