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If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
So apparently airport security doesn`t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.