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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Worry: a waste of imagination.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.