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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn`t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn`t, use the tape.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.