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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.