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If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.