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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.