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I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.