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People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
It`s okay, Web MD. I don`t really know what`s wrong with me either.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.