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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Come on Facebook friends. Be honest with me. Does my butt make my pants look fat?
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
At least a stalker is there for you.