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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that`s called a Turn Signal.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
The Never Ending Story should`ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon