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I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I don`t wanna be told what to do unless I`m naked
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
My IQ? ... With google or without?
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.