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Live each day like you’re marked for deletion.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Good thing Jan Brady`s older sister wasn`t named Beetlejuice
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
i only drink on days that end with y
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I got my panties all in a bunch ... You know those Wal Mart 10 pack cotton bundles.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.