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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
It`s weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?