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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours