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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I wish my money would have sex in my wallet and multiply
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
I put the hot in psychotic.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.