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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Very little scares me. So does very big.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.