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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.