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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.