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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape