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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
ALERT: Missing Unicorn...if you find it, you`re probably high
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"