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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.