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whats the difference between a dog and a fox????? six shots
If you bend over and place your ear next to a girls vagina , you can clearly hear her say "WTF are you Doing!"
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.