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I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
You don`t look like 200 likes in person
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake