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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?
I always give my extra money to Charity. She is usually on the main stage around 11pm.
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.