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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
If you step on someone`s foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?