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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
If you ever find lotion on a guy`s night stand, it`s not because he wants to moisturize his skin.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.