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Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.