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My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...