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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!