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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.