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Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.