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I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.