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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
I need new swear words.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
why do i feel like you are reading this
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?