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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."