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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
Siri, where are my pants?
Being alive is so expensive.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.