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If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals