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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!