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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.