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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
I will literally spend $20 on food but won’t buy a $20 shirt.