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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!