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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"