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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.