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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
The problem with drinking with people from work is they`re the ones I bitch about when I`m drunk.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!