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There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
My body needs a refresh button.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.