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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…