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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.