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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside